Tell Me About It: ‘ If we don’t change soon, we’re in for a miserable life together or some change for the worse – such as divorce’

PROBLEM:

My wife and I have been married for a number of years and I feel lost in our relationship. I don’t really find her attractive any more in terms of mental connection and, as a result, I don’t feel compelled to be physically close to her or be intimate.

We no longer have a sex life to speak of since my wife miscarried a few years ago. However, I never felt like she enjoyed sex anyway even during our early years of dating. She is prudish and finds certain parts of vanilla everyday sex a no-no.

I’ve even noticed her questioning my sexuality in a sly jokey way, and I see those sly remarks as a kind of guarded way of sticking the boot in about lack of intimacy. She is also much heavier than she used to be and spends no time cooking decent food or exercising. All she does is sprawl on the couch at night. On her career break, she was meant to do cooking and cleaning, but the house is in a state most days when I return from work.

She seems to want to control every element of our life and instinctively dominates all decision-making, which I find extremely emasculating. She is more than happy if I happen to agree with her, but is extremely agitated by dissent. I tend to have good ideas to offer, but she is forever taking the easy way out. She obsesses over our child and spoils her, in spite of the fact she is anxious for her not to be spoilt. We need time together and she doesn’t trust anyone above a select few in her family to do childminding if they feel up to it. Hence, we never go out, even though I desperately would love to be going out to re-establish a connection.

These early years I feel will determine the longevity of our marriage and I find it hard to see us together into our retirement. If we don’t change soon, we’re in for a miserable life together or some change for the worse, such as divorce.

She is not a happy person, but she has had some really tough blows in her adult life, and I understand that. I have encouraged her to engage with a counsellor, but she withdrew from the process early and is basically limping on ever since. She is a hard person to please and I can’t make her happy.

During quieter moments of introspection, I think I would be happier as a single man, but despair at the thoughts of a messy separation. I have seen a side to my wife lately that suggests she would turn my daughter against me. She tries to give the impression in public of being a doting wife, but I find her attitude in private quite controlling.

ADVICE:

Your letter spans wishing to despair, covering wanting to have romantic time alone together, to feeling that there is no hope for love. This must be confusing for both of you as the message seems to be that there are possibilities for a life together, but the relationship is full of criticism, resentment and hopelessness.

The lack of physical touch is a challenge for you, but perhaps she also finds it a struggle. Could it be that neither of you feel a sense of attraction to the other, or confidence in yourselves? This can lead to hurt and withdrawal, as you both lick your wounds privately and blame the other person for the ensuing pain.

You are clear that your wife is unhappy, and you understand that this is partially due to circumstances in her life, but of course this understanding goes nowhere if she is unwilling to engage with you about it. Yet, she is also staying in the relationship and perhaps she, too, wishes for something more connecting and loving. You seem to be the person in the relationship who has the more capacity at the moment, and it might be possible for you to stretch yourself to find out what it is like for her to be living this life and whether she feels stuck or low.

You may need help and support along the way, and if you seek this with the attitude of openness to changing yourself first, then you might find that your wife lets down some of her barriers

Clearly, you have ideas about how she can improve by being more active in the house and by engaging with a social life with you, but she may be experiencing a period of depression following her miscarriage, and her grief might be overwhelming for her. You are the one person who might be able to share in her sense of loss and I wonder if this conversation has been attempted?

Your wife’s sense of faith and confidence in her body may have taken quite a blow following the miscarriage, and intimacy may be very difficult for her as it previously led to such pain. Sex is all about pleasure, and if a person feels no enjoyment in their own body, it is difficult to find the motivation to engage with another other than for reasons of duty.

If you want to give this relationship a real chance, and it seems you find the alternative distressing, then the first step is to commit to it. This commitment means that you investigate all that is going on in your lives until you have a deep understanding, and then you seek to partner with your wife to tackling these things, knowing that you have your whole lives to address whatever arises.

Of course, you may need help and support along the way, and if you seek this with the attitude of openness to changing yourself first, then you might find that your wife lets down some of her barriers.

For example, rather than sending her to counselling, you might ask her advice for getting help for yourself, or both of you, and keep her in the loop every step of the way.