Tell Me About It: ‘I know so many single women and I don’t envy them’
PROBLEM:
I’m middle-aged and I’m considering separating from my husband. We’ve been married for nearly 40 years. He’s hard-working, has few needs, is very sociable and personable and well liked. So am I, although I’m much shyer.
As a child I was physically abused until I met him. Then, when I married very young, I was emotionally abused because he had numerous affairs. Now he’s started to get verbally abusive, and I refuse to accept it. I still love him, but part of me despises him for how he treated me, and I frequently remind him.
We’re financially very well off. We worked hard throughout our lives. My grown-up children think I should go, although they love both of us. I’ve booked to see a therapist. Should I ask him to go too? I instigated the separation (he’s finally agreed it’s probably for the best) but now I think I’m making a big mistake. Do I suffer from Stockholm syndrome?
How can I overcome my fear of leaving? I know so many single women and I don’t envy them. But I’d be afraid of meeting someone new.
ADVICE:
Trust in your actions and plans so far: you have instigated separation, are booked to see a therapist, have the support of your children and the agreement of your husband. These are all brave and considered actions that need to be followed through.
The person who needs to change and alter their behaviour is your husband, and he has had 40 years to address his actions. You say you love him and that he has many redeeming characteristics and this, no doubt, contributed to the fact that you stayed in the relationship for so long. However, to stay in a relationship that has verbal abuse at its core, and has daily recriminations and resentments as its main pattern, is not wise.
Seeing a therapist will help you unravel and understand your motivations, and there is no doubt that having a childhood of physical abuse has contributed to your ability to remain in a situation where there is a toxic mix of care and misconduct. Devoting time and attention to your own therapy is crucial, and this should be given priority in your life so that you are making decisions based on what is best for you.
For decades, fear has guided your life, and now you are very aware that if you stay in this relationship, fear will be the overwhelming feature of your existence. Overcoming fear is done by taking steady and small steps towards facing it, and you are already doing this, so trust your plan and take the next step. This is likely to be setting up mediation sessions to further the separation. You can engage with free family mediation by looking up citizen’s information or engage with the many organisations providing professional mediation to assist you with the process of mediation. This process will allow you and your husband to discuss and agree on all aspects of your separation, and you will have a professional to guide you through the process.
You are separating at a time when the population is growing older, so there are very many people of your age who are also seeking meaningful and fun friendships
Mediation takes many sessions and allows for the complexities and difficulties of untangling a life together, so you will not be alone in doing this. As for couple’s therapy, it is mediation and individual therapy that are required for you now. Your husband can engage in his own therapy, but that is his choice.
You ask about being single and how to navigate a new life. At the moment all your energy is focused on your husband and reminding him of what he has and is doing to you. Imagine if you could take all this energy and put it towards something that brings joy to your life? You may not know where your attention should be focused yet, but you have children, and possibly friends, who can help you work this out. Of course, loneliness is a distinct possibility, but it is a human experience that pushes us towards engagement with others, and this is exactly what you need now.
You are in a good position financially and this allows you to seek volunteering opportunities where you can meet and enjoy the company of like-minded people (type “volunteering Ireland” into a search engine). There will not be an instant or easy move to a single life, but with time you will allow yourself to only spend time and energy on people who are good for you and who enrich your existence.
You are separating at a time when the population is growing older, so there are very many people of your age who are also seeking meaningful and fun friendships. The beginning of growing confidence is taking away the blocks, and yours come in the form of fear, so continue with your plans to separate and have faith in your ability to create a life worth living for yourself. With each step you will become more confident and able.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, you can contact Women’s Aid (24-hour freephone helpline at 1800-341 900, email helpline@womensaid.ie) or Men’s Aid Ireland (confidential helpline at 01-554 3811, email hello@mensaid.ie) for support and information.
You can freephone the Samaritans 24 hours a day for confidential support at 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org.
Safe Ireland also offers a number of local services and helplines at safeireland.ie/get-help/where-to-find-help/. In the case of an emergency, always dial 999/112.