Tell Me About It: I moved to a far-flung place to be with the woman I fell in love with online, but now I’m wondering, ‘What have I done?’
PROBLEM:
I met my partner online and over a year we created a wonderful relationship that included Zoom, chatting on the phone and email. We connected every day and, unbelievably, we told each other almost everything, far beyond anything that I could ever expect.
She was my best friend, my confidante and, after the first few weeks, we began to realise we were in love. We sent songs to each other, read bits out of books, shared favourite programmes, even cooked together so we could have the same food.
She brought out something in me that I did not know existed – a warm, cuddly kind of person that had never seen the light of day before this. I do not come from a romantic family and any nice compliments were saved for Christmas or birthday cards, so I had no experience of sharing such delights or how they can make you feel. This was better than sex and I spent the year in a haze of loving and being loved, and it was wonderful.
At the end of the year, we had made the decision to live together and one of us had to move to the other’s country. We made the decision very practically and I moved as I had the most transferable skills, so I am now living in a far-flung place and wondering, “What have I done?”.
I knew that the reality would be different from the online world, but I was not prepared for just how different it is.
The good thing is that the physical desire and attraction actually works and so a lot of our disagreements get sorted in bed, but of course not all of them do. I find her (and her family’s) world of emotional expression too much to bear and they accuse me of being cold and distant – and they have no problem voicing this.
My need for space and quiet is not respected and the number of family events and dinners I’m expected to participate in is way too much. Also, it seems that I’m expected to be the breadwinner, and this is also quite a challenge to my upbringing (my mother is a feminist) so I have no idea how our two families will get on.
Everyone expects us to get married and it feels like an unstoppable train, and I’m caught up in it.
ADVICE:
It does sound as though things need to slow down to allow some time for you to do what all couples need to do: rub off each other in a way that makes you both better and allows for the development of both people.
You are being stretched – and it sounds as though it is too much, too fast – but perhaps if it slowed down, you might handle it? You already know that your lover’s offering to you is one that opens up your emotional realm, but this is pushing you out of your comfort zone. To now be in a place that demands full emotional engagement all the time is likely to make you feel burdened and exhausted, but that does not mean that some of this is not good for you. In fact, it was the lure of love and romance that got you to travel so far and take such risks, so do not underestimate its power.
What might slow things down would be for you to have your own accommodation for a while so that you have reprieve from the demands, and this also might offer you the possibility of targeted conversations.
You two have had a year of open and honest conversations online, so maybe use this tried and tested route to now discuss the issues you are having. Write to/message each other about what is happening, what your fears are, and then brainstorm what your futures might be (including the possibility of a move together to your or a neutral country).
Allow everything to be discussed and do not come to conclusions too early. You are both in a period of immense change and also in an intense relationship where one of you can’t go home for the weekend, so lots of allowances must be given.
The cultural differences are also something that can take years to understand and accept, so do not rush this. We can have a tendency to judge other cultures either too favourably (leading to disappointment) or too harshly (leading to false criticism), so allow time for things to settle and know that with experience your judgment will become more refined. There are many things that are working in your relationship: friendship, honesty, attraction and love.
Give yourselves time to adjust to the everyday life and know that engaging with the edges and foibles of the other person in a relationship are all part of its development. Above all, use what you know that works, so write/talk, stay really honest, and enjoy the attraction that can now be given expression.